Sunderland on Polished Draft
5/17/2012 09:50:39 pm

Solid draft, ladies. Shows a lot of work. Nonetheless, I have some comments/suggestions:
-Thesis good but needs tightening to be less wordy
-Topic sentences needed on every page (except paperwork pages)
-Landing pages should have 1 topic sentence that makes a unifying point about all the associated pages and then links to those pages
-Highlight key parts of the charter. Nobody is going to read the whole thing
-Pretty text driven. Get rid of all complete sentences that are not either thesis or topic sentences. Everything else you write should be bulleted. Also make visuals more meaningful and integrate them into argument more.
-Tree line pic weird. Is that a tree dating back to Roanoke?
-Navigation under "Roanoke Colony" gets confusing. Lots of subordinate and subsubordinate pages
-Change "geographical effects" to "geographic impacts"
-Under "relations with indians", reword to "English settlers" or "English colonists"
-Raleigh's "treason"? WTH? Where's that coming from?
-"Next to Hypotheses on Disappearance" goes to thesis page
-What is the significance of hypotheses page? Why do hypotheses matter?
-What happened to "cautionary tale" part of argument? You say that in thesis but don't ever address it in argument.
-"Next to paperwork" link needed
-Separate pages for proc paper and bib
-don't use scribd for proc paper. Just put text directly into weebly

Overall: 46/50


Leave a Reply.